I just want to be able to sleep again.
That is all.
To sleep, without falling into memories. To wake up to an alarm clock, no matter how shrill, instead of the sound of my own crying.
To no longer look so old and drained.
I just want a normal night’s sleep. That state where you are neither alive nor dead, just unaware of whatever your reality is.
If you are reading, I hate you for the pain you have inflicted to the furthest corners of my mind where I should be able to retreat and regroup. You sneak into my subconscious while I toss and turn trading sanity for sleep.
I hate you for everything you ever were to me, every burnt memory replaying behind eyes forced shut, every color you once added to my life- I hate you because I cannot hate you at all.
I used to tell him he was the blood in my veins, the beat to my heart. Horribly enough he still is.