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Down the rabbit hole I go.

I think.. Well no, I know people already saw this coming.

They knew. My boyfriends, my friends, my family.. my little voice inside my head.

They knew. This girl will crash one day.

And I have. Man oh man, did I crash hard..

I’ve seen it coming too , sometimes. When RS would hold me then say things like “you should be nicer to yourself” or when my friends would laugh and say “but you never cry, you push through everything.”

I do cry, is what I would think to myself, just not in front of you. Not in front of anyone at all.

Show no weakness.

All alone in my apartment, all I see these days are outlines of memories and snippets of conversations I did not even know my mind had kept.

“You can’t do everything by yourself. One day you’ll have to trust someone.”
“You can’t do everything for everyone, no person should take on so much on their own shoulders.”
“Why are you such a fighter? Why can’t you put your guards down for a change and let someone in?”
“You’ll crash, you’ll crash. And all I want to do is love you, and all you want to do is be strong for everyone but yourself!”
“Then go. LEAVE! Leave me and leave everything you want so others can get what they want.”
“Get out! It’s not like you can help anymore, get the eff out.”
“You think anyone will do for you what you do for them? What will it take for you to see they won’t be there when you fall?”

I hear them all.

Their voices whisper around me.

Distorted faces spinning, foreseeing that I would fall this hard, pushing me not to.. or waiting for it to happen? I don’t know anymore.

Did I really crash at long last?

It’s not like I have the world on my teenie tiny shoulders, just a really big chunk of it since a very young age.

I learnt… Or maybe I taught myself early on to keep my guards up and do things myself.

“Toughen up. Show no weakness. Smile. Guard Yourself, Smile.  Watch your back. Ask no help. Dry your tears. Head up. Shoulders back, Smile. Show no pain.”

Maybe.. Maybe.. somewhere deep down  a child with scars running too deep did not know how to heal so she hid behind fake strength to never have to have to feel pain again.

And it took me years to realize that my whole life was based on a strategy devised by a wounded little girl.

Where were you all, when I was self destructing for years on end?

Those I have given everything to, have you just watched me set myself up to fall in a whole so deep I haven’t even hit the bottom yet?

All those times you called on me.. All those broken pieces I fixed.. where are you now that I have found my abyss?

No helping hand for the person that carried you through so much. Good job.