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Tag Archives: closure

Dearest ex boyfriend of mine.

Dearest RS,

Chances are you are not reading this but it is alright. I don’t really need you to be. This is more for me.

And if by some twist of fate you are reading… “you can tell everybody, this was your song.”

24 things I wish I had said to you so my 24th year can be a fresh start 

1) That day, way back, when we went out for coffee almost 6 months after you left and you kissed me? When you said “this was a mistake”, I was about to say “I missed you.”

2) Your insecurities were not my fault.

3) I am sorry you did not tell me how much pain you were in.

4) I am so much more sorry that even though you never told me, I did not see it myself. I am still struggling to make peace with myself about not having seen the sadness behind your smile. I am sorry.

4) For the longest time, I could not bring myself to remove the “<3” next to your name on my phone.

5) The night you left, I cried. A LOT. And I waited until morning for you to message me again and say it was a mistake.

6) I no longer wonder what you are doing with your life anymore.

7) Sometimes, when I hear “I’m yours” or “Is It Love”, it reminds me of us but in a completely neutral way. It makes me feel a bit sad for what we could have been, but it mostly feels like remembering someone else’s memories.

8) I was never able to forgive you for asking to get to know me again and then never getting back in touch.

9) It scares me how little I know you now. There was a time I could tell what you were thinking just by the look on your face.

10) I never said thank you for a lot of things when I should have.

11) I wish I told you more often about the smaller details I would hold close to my heart. Things like how all I ever listened to when you were away for 6 months was “Stereo Hearts”. The song just came out and I felt like it described you and I. I just never told you.

12) I thought I would be the one to leave you if our relationship ever went bad because I have always been afraid of how cold you will be to me if you were the one to end it.

13) I could never bring myself to hate you despite it all.

14) I still don’t believe you did not have feelings for her or that you did not, at the very, least think of trying something with her.

15) If ever her and I cross paths… She better run.

16) Contrarily to what you seem to believe, your mother was absolutely not my number one fan. She was my number Leave-My-Son-The-Eff-Alone fan.

17) I got so upset at you leaving that I threw the necklace you gave me in the sea. Then I spent hours trying to find it again because not having it made me feel worse. And then I spent days crying because there’s a lot of sand at the bottom of the sea to sift through when you are looking for a necklace you threw from a cliff with your eyes closed.

18) The first time you drunk dialed me after it was over and said you were with another girl made me feel so bad I had to go to the hospital because of a panic attack.

19) I burst out in tears on a date with someone new a few weeks after you left. Him and I no longer talk. I think he is a little scared of me…

20) When you find someone new, you will realize what you had with me. Not because I am better or worse, but just because it won’t be me.

21) You are a bit of a mama’s boy.

22) I am thankful for you having been in my life. Nothing will ever change how much you helped me and how much of a good person you are and always will be.

23) When you’re not in love with someone anymore, them being stubborn and arguing to the bone even though they are wrong is just really not cute or endearing. It is actually pretty difficult to put up with.

24) You are an awesome person, with a great big heart and I truly wish you all the best even if you will never read this to know so.

Love,

A girl with a great big attitude.

..

And with those words he will never read finally out of my system, I say.. BRING IT 24!!!

Buh-ring it.

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“Will I ever laugh again?” – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

After Big doesn’t show up to their wedding in Sex and The City 1, a completely depressed Carrie asks her girlfriends: “Will I ever laugh again?”

I love that quote. If any sentence could ever describe a person’s emotional state after they have been left, it is that one. And I have been asking myself that same question a lot these days.

Out here in the real world, happy endings are a little rarer to come by.

I don’t have Manolo Blahnik’s, Jimmy Choo’s or Louis Vuitton’s in my closet to soak up some of the pain. Forget the labels, I don’t even have the luxury of time to indulge in a heart broken depression.

Some of us quite literally need to earn their living.

You can do it all to forget. Send your emails, go to your meetings and put on the best forced smile ever. When it is time to come home, you still end up curled on a couch consumed by thoughts of him and her until the next morning.

And I really do ask myself, will I ever laugh again?

My very own Mr Big, known as RS, has moved on to another after leaving me, no explanations given, on Christmas eve.

Some days have been easier than others. Even full weeks have sometimes been easier than others.

But I always crawl back to the pain. I relapse into unanswered questions and sleepless nights.

I wonder, over and over and over, to the point where it is almost an obsession, I wonder: will the day come where I will stop trying to forget because I simply would not remember?

And will I ever forgive him?

When heartbreak hits home.

Some would say it takes me longer than your average geek to come to terms with my feelings. Some are not wrong.

My Christmas Eve this year was not the best. On that very day, a person I mistakenly took as my other half.. Well.. dumped me, to put it bluntly. And ungracefully at that.

But I kept going.

My Valentine’s day consisted of rented movies and cheap take out.

Still pushed through.

Our would have been anniversary came around.

A little tougher, but I managed to keep it together.

And then today happens.

Almost 5 months later, I felt it should be safe to check on what he has been up to since he abandoned me. I don’t know why I did that to myself. Boredom? Curiosity? A desperate attempt to drown out the hum of questions about him fermenting in my mind?

It would seem he has been re-kindling old “friendships” with a girl whose boobs remain too big for her to have ever been just a friend. I see little hearts they post to each other, inside jokes and one liners on his part to compliment her pictures.

And then I see a tear drop on my keyboard. Surprisingly, that came from me.

I would have thought any sense of pain to be dulled by layers of consumed ice cream by now. It had to be. I aimed to feel nothing and did all I can to achieve it.

Despite my unceremonious kick to the curve, we managed to keep a pseudo friendship going, some hybrid child of awkwardness and fake decency. I venture to ask him if he’s seeing someone or more specifically Boobzella.

My questions turn to accusations.

“I no longer answer to you.”

Bam. Just like that.

For the first time since my heart broke, I felt it.

I consider ice cream again. I consider chocolate. Then I consider dealing with long overdue feelings of hurt.

He is not wrong. He really does not need to tell me anything anymore. Our lives are no longer intertwined, there is no more “us”. Unfortunately for my ragged heart, I still live in a deceased reality where I am not a stranger to his life and Boobzella is most definitely not part of the picture.

He could have been kinder about my delusions. Let a crazy girl down easy. But then again, it would not have been like him to see the ache behind every sentence I typed that night, from “hello” to “you’re right, never mind”.