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Knock me down

I am tired.

I was only gone from the dating scene 2 years, not a whole lifetime, and yet it feels like some turn of the century revolution exploded while I was away.

What the hell happened to people in between?!
When did everyone become so dishonest that mentioning you are someone’s fiance is not even important anymore?

That’s right, gentlemen, if you put a ring on another girl’s finger… you cannot go out on dates with someone else! That becomes a “NO NO”. Write it down now, try to remember it.

And here’s another thing, if she is still your girlfriend not your fiancee, you STILL cannot take another girl out on a date. Or even ask her out on one. And most definitely not proclaim you want to marry her!

Just NO.

What is wrong with guys now?! What have I missed while in my ditch-me-on-Christmas-Day relationship with RS?

I get criticized by family, friends and acquaintances for being unable to trust people but why bother opening up my heart to so much dishonesty.

I am worn out from a battle with myself, just trying not to  become negative and cynical. But I am sinking fast.

The more I look around me, the more I feel like there is no good to be found in at least 99% of people.

Not too long ago, I was convinced that the majority of lovers in a relationship are, at the very least, honest to each other. Now I think no one’s heart is safe with anyone, whether the label is “in a relationship”,”engaged” or “married”.

It is not right that I somehow ended up in the presence of a guy who did not consider it important to mention his significant other all those times he took me out. Silly, silly me thinking “while you marry me?” was a question exclusive to one person.

Why is it that my heart cracked while he had the benefit of having the care and attention of two young women who knew nothing of one another?

It is not like I dress inappropriately or act suggestively. Even if I wanted too, I am far too shy to ever be able to.

And the sadistic little voice inside my head singing “RS and Boobzella, Boobzella and RS…”

Imightbelosingmymind.

Eff you too, Karma.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Karma is like Santa, the boogy man and the tooth fairy. It is not there.

I live my life trying to do the right thing. And for the bigger part, I think I do. Where I was able to, I have done what I can and more to be honest and do good by others and help those I can and not harm people I did not like even though I really could have if I wanted to.

I tried to base my life on the mantra “the good and the bad you do will find its way back”. What goes around comes around type of thing.

Except… nothing really comes back around, does it.

Parents tell their children based on what they themselves were told by their parents who were probably themselves taught by their parents that you should be good towards others because one day someone will be good to you too.

Um… okay. Well, LIES.

And thank you so very much for filling my head with poetic justice fairy tales my whole life until I got stainless steel stuck in my windpipe.

I am not asking for a “you’re a good human being” trophy to suddenly fall out of the sky in gratitude. It defeats the purpose of helping others if all you want is to be recognized. The deal breaker is when I see dishonest, cheating, people get what they want. And then – and this is where it gets good-  get what I want after they made me help them to it.

Yes, this is about the time you and me both realize that I am a bit of a naive dumbo with below average skills at pinpointing hidden agendas.

Exploit me, world, please. I won’t notice until it is too late anyway.

What are we supposed to teach our children later on?

Be good towards others and you can stand on the side line to watch them get away with ridiculous amounts of dishonesty so they can snatch whatever their heart desires. Oh, hold on sweetheart they’ll even slither their way into snatching whatever your heart desires. But hey.. keep.. being.. good… ?

Somewhere between the “what the eff” and “seriously?” thoughts in my head, I know I have not gone bitter. I could not have.

I would like to think there is still a little bit of optimism in my heart that has not been drained out by recent events.

So for now… eff you, Karma. Eff you very very much.