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Knock me down

I am tired.

I was only gone from the dating scene 2 years, not a whole lifetime, and yet it feels like some turn of the century revolution exploded while I was away.

What the hell happened to people in between?!
When did everyone become so dishonest that mentioning you are someone’s fiance is not even important anymore?

That’s right, gentlemen, if you put a ring on another girl’s finger… you cannot go out on dates with someone else! That becomes a “NO NO”. Write it down now, try to remember it.

And here’s another thing, if she is still your girlfriend not your fiancee, you STILL cannot take another girl out on a date. Or even ask her out on one. And most definitely not proclaim you want to marry her!

Just NO.

What is wrong with guys now?! What have I missed while in my ditch-me-on-Christmas-Day relationship with RS?

I get criticized by family, friends and acquaintances for being unable to trust people but why bother opening up my heart to so much dishonesty.

I am worn out from a battle with myself, just trying not to  become negative and cynical. But I am sinking fast.

The more I look around me, the more I feel like there is no good to be found in at least 99% of people.

Not too long ago, I was convinced that the majority of lovers in a relationship are, at the very least, honest to each other. Now I think no one’s heart is safe with anyone, whether the label is “in a relationship”,”engaged” or “married”.

It is not right that I somehow ended up in the presence of a guy who did not consider it important to mention his significant other all those times he took me out. Silly, silly me thinking “while you marry me?” was a question exclusive to one person.

Why is it that my heart cracked while he had the benefit of having the care and attention of two young women who knew nothing of one another?

It is not like I dress inappropriately or act suggestively. Even if I wanted too, I am far too shy to ever be able to.

And the sadistic little voice inside my head singing “RS and Boobzella, Boobzella and RS…”



“You, me, and our back up lovers” – Sponsored by ThatsFuckedUp

I’ve written and re-written this post a few times. I am finding it hard to translate into words just how much the whole “they are my back-up” concept gets my brain stuck.

Some things should always be wrong. Whether you are an 80’s child or a 90’s child, some lines are just not meant to be crossed.

And as much as I wished for it, no justice dragon is ever going to pop out of the center of the world and hold people accountable for the sneaky, messed up things they do.

Using someone as an ends to a mean is not okay. It should never be okay, not when it is so premeditated and calculated.

A few months back, I asked a friend why they were actively encouraging the attention of so many different people even though they had a significant other who loves them very, very much.

“Look, there’s no harm in keeping a back-up. Or a few even. If things don’t work out, I’ll always have someone else to fall back on.”

I am usually an opinionated person, one not afraid to voice where I stand, but I had nothing to say.

No witty comment, no sarcastic answer.

It is perverse, too subtle to be called cheating and too devious not to be. I do not understand why someone in a loving relationship would make themselves available to others “just in case”.

The safest feeling in the world has to be knowing someone can care about the smallest thing in your life despite your flaws. What better feeling than when that they say “I  love you”? You know you’re broken and imperfect. They know it too. And they still look at you as though their gravity depends on your smile. It should not be treated as any other commodity to be bargained for and cheated on.

I have done my fair share of stupid mistakes in relationships. Manipulating other people’s feelings to keep my options open is not one of them and I am starting to feel like that might be more to my disadvantage, The more people I talk to about this, the more it seems like my whole generation is well and aware of the back up trend except for stupid little me.

Is it really that naive to believe love should be exempt from such a level of deceit?

I already have a hard enough time trusting people courtesy of one too many back stabs in the past. Now, it seems like even when you do manage to lower your guards and trust someone… well you probably should not. Because, hey, they might be entertaining back ups while you’re not there.

Wow. Yeah. Let’s go back to arranged marriages then.

Still trying to wrap my head around this: the majority of people in a solid relationship out there string others along as a safety net to keep their options open…

Ding Ding Ding someone won a free trip to the psychiatrist. Might be me.


“What do I stand for? Most nights, I don’t know. Anymore.” – Fun.

When I graduated a few years back, I had dreams. Big dreams.

In my cap and gown, I scribbled on a little paper what I hoped for out of life within a few years time. My classmates and I are standing in line, just about to walk on stage. We giggle, we fret, we fix our tassels and tap our feet waiting for the Pomp and Circumstance graduation march to begin. It was our turn. After 4 years of midterms, finals and last minute cramming, we made it.

“Quick! Gimme your back!”

I lean on a girl whose name I no longer remember and list down the first things I think off. I sign it off “Good luck me!” with a star and a heart.

For a while, that little paper was framed in the first ever studio I could afford on my own. I made the frame myself. In a brand new one bedroom apartment, the frame was placed behind a few take-home projects on the mantle piece. There, it shifted places several times from living room to bedroom.

In a spacier apartment with a killer view, that black and red Rolling Stones frame I so carefully crafted was thrown out and the list I once excitedly wrote was added to my university memo box. It was meant to serve as a reminder for me not to stray too far from a wide eyed dream.

None of those goals ever materialized. My career path took a sharp turn into unexpected territory. Like most things we compromise on, it started out as a means to pay rent. I can’t pinpoint when my current profession officially swapped places with my first job aspiration.

But I can live with that.

I am passionate about my work even if it is distanced from my area of studies. The hardest thing to accept is that I no longer recognize myself. Not that I had a clear idea of who I am at graduation, or at any point in life really. It is just worse now. I have been doing things so out of character it is starting to scare me, no matter how blurred the lines have always been around what defines me. Somewhere in those years that elapsed since graduation, I either changed or lost the few concrete things I knew about myself.

Maybe I am re-calibrating to the person I was before I met the young man who left me a few months ago, also known as RS. I let die the smallest one millimeter spec of who I am to compromise for him.

Or maybe I was already changing before he left. I never really got a clear explanation for him leaving. I tried to find sense within the scraps of reasons he offered. The best I could figure was we must have grown apart somewhere down the line. Maybe he too no longer recognized me.

Or maybe, just maybe this is that horrible thing they call “growing up”.

I just don’t know anymore. I can tell you who I was, and who I became but there is one hell of an empty gap where “who I am” should be.